If I was a Millionaire...

I entered nursing twelve years ago for the challenging, rewarding people profession that it is. What else is a Type A, reasonably personable, control freak supposed to do with her life? I enjoyed the long hours, the unpredictability, the variability. I (for a long time) didn't even mind a little OT sprinkled here and there. I even {shudder} did night shift for a few years.  Ultimately, I did what most of us do when we get tired or need a new challenge; go into graduate school. I left my family and friends, moved to Virginia, studied my tail off and became a nurse practitioner. Then, finally, ended up here in Maryland happily doing my 14 hour shifts, 3 days a week, enjoying the other 4 days with my husband.

And enjoy we did! We'd pick up at a moment's notice and drive to New York City. Indian food for dinner tonight? I know a great place in the East Village! And off we'd go... Exploring D.C., surprise concert tickets. And those 14 hour shifts. Long. Dreadfully long. But allowing for a marvelous lifestyle. Then it all changed. I became a Mommy. I have three lil' boogs to answer to. My brain gets torn in a million pieces, my heart into a billion on any given day. I feel like I am never really in the right place anymore.

When I am at work, there is now an aching piece of  me that worries about missing out on the boys lives as I go three days without really seeing the boogs. We have a deal that tired kids do not wait up parents working. Fortunately, I can usually squeeze in a half hour or so before the bedtime wind-down.  One day though, I realized the twins sat up independently and I have no idea when it started occurring. That day? That week, even?

But when I am at home, there is the piece of me that longs for work. That camaraderie, that team spirit. I want to feel like I am making a difference in someone's life who's not related to me, nor depending on me to change their diaper. I want to use my brain for exercise beyond coloring between the lines and practicing my Dora spanish. Hola! Soy Dora!  I can't seem to ever feel like I properly reconcile the two. And I am certain I am not alone in this feeling.

Those marvelous lil' boogs I call my own? If I was a millionaire - look out and let the homeschooling begin - Mama's coming home!